Thursday, May 16, 2013

Real Men vs. Disrespectful Males

This morning, all because of some misunderstanding, I found myself getting cursed out by some asshole near the bus stop in front of my college campus.  That led to a screaming match between me and him.  That also led to him acting like a punk and getting one of his minions to beat me up and telling said minion to bring a weapon.  I wish I could've taken my blade to his throat, but I have never been to prison in my life and I do not want to have that experience.

Let me share another scenario.  I was visiting some buddies at the local soul food restaurant when some dude came and grabbed me behind like I was his actual girlfriend.  I warned him the first time not to do it again.  I went to Subway to get myself a drink, only to end up spilling it everywhere on the ground because the guy did not heed my first warning.  And fists were swung...on the guy, that is.  Granted, I should've called the police then, but I had to defend myself.

The point I'm trying to get across is that you have real men, and you have disrespectful pieces of shit like this ignorant knee-grow who decided to cackle at me like a fucking bitch because I thought he was asking me a question when I turned to look at him and the bastard who thought it was cool to grab me.  Now would he curse at his own mother, the woman who birthed and nurtured him to his supposed adulthood?  Didn't think so.  A disrespectful male is quick to curse anybody out, even as young as a child, if they so much as even smile at him.  As a youth, my mother always told me to ignore such stupidity.  Much as I try to follow that advice, I find it rather difficult (sorry, Mom).  I've always felt that it was necessary for people to stand up for themselves if they feel threatened.  This also leads to another saying that my mother told me (because we're both Leos).  She said this, "A lion will attack if either hungry or provoked."  In this case, I forgot to eat this morning, I was feeling drowsy from some allergy medicine, and he indeed provoked me.

A real man would not have taken the bitchy way out.  He would have said "Oh, I was on my phone.  Sorry for the confusion," and the whole thing would have been squashed.  Real men do not disrespect women.  Period.  For those of you chauvinistic, penis-minded peons who think a woman's place is either in the kitchen or on her back shooting babies out of her uterus, allow me to reiterate that last statement.


I hope your vision is good enough to read this statement.

And ladies, if you come across a guy who treats you like nothing more than a piece of meat, or a guy who probably got his ass beat by females in elementary school for teasing them, speak your peace, and turn it over to the Most High.  I guarantee He will lift that burden of anger from your shoulders.  As for you uncouth peons thinking it's okay to disrespect and abuse females, be they your girlfriends or a random woman on the street, eat shit and fuck you.  That is all.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Ass Flicking: A New Epidemic

Everywhere I look, I seem to find nasty, dirty asses all over the street after being thrown around like they were gearing up for a dwarf toss.  Ugly, stankin' asses with a smell so foul that it could drive a healthy person to asthma.  By filthy asses, I mean these...

butt flicker

Cancer sticks.

I'm sorry, but the world on which we walk, run, and drive is not your personal ashtray.  They have containers for that.  It's bad enough that these small poles filled with tobacco and other carcinogenic bullshit stink like hell, but do you have to make it worse for everybody else by flicking ass out in the street as you slowly kill yourself drag by drag?  Have a little courtesy, please.  It's simple:  Take that last drag, but don't just flick your butt on the ground and walk away like you're fleeing from a crime scene.  You have feet; just stomp on the butt like you're about to kill a nasty cockroach.  Or just put the butt out on some hard, concrete surface and throw the damn thing away (in the trash, people).  Problem solved.

Keep in mind that aquatic lifeforms can eat ass...literally.  That is, if you keep flicking butts out in the damn street!!!  Not trying to be a comedienne, but all you ass flickers out there need to wise up.  We already have whales, seals, and other water species turning up dead because some of you smokers out there don't even have the fucking consideration to watch where you flick your butts!  Do you even know what happens to the ass of a cancer stick after you go and flick the damn thing?!  It flows into the storm drain with whatever liquid runoff that carries it over and ends up in the ocean.  Now unless you just don't give a shit (which is obviously why you flick asses in the first place) and want a whole bunch of aquatic species to go extinct, then you best stop throwing butts in the fucking street, damn it!!!

Bluntness deactivated

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Monday, February 25, 2013

Harlem Shake vs. Harlem Fake: A Miniblog

*On a regular day of browsing through YouTube*

Oh wow, so the Harlem Shake has made a resurgence, huh?  I think I'll take a look...

*clicks on video*

To quote the African brother from Next Friday, "What is this?!!  I can't get jiggy with this shit!!!"  For one, this ain't no Harlem shake!  I know damn well this ain't no Harlem shake, and I'm from South Central L.A.  That dance is about as bootleg as a Street Fighter II Rainbow machine at the local laundromat.  For those who seemed to have a brain lapse, this is the REAL Harlem Shake:

Yes, what you see in the above video is the actual Harlem shake (take a good look at the kids), made popular by G Dep, P Diddy, and Black Rob in the 2001 smash hit, "Let's Get It."  This is the dance I remember from when I was a teenager, going to various house parties and the teen clubs with my homegirls, having friendly battles with my homeboys whenever this song would start.  Not that other "dance" where everybody's humping the air and flailing their arms about like they're falling out in church or catching the Holy Ghost.  Now if some of you younguns out there think that this new dance crap by Baauer is the real thing, then I suggest you take your meds and re-evaluate your purpose in life.

Sound off in the comments box, please.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

A Skankalicious Reality Star (I Kan't Stomach)

Ugh...good lawd.  Hopefully I can get through this blog without puking all over my keyboard.  (More vulgarity ahead!  Get the kids out of here, STAT!  Oh, and some K-puns.)

Reality TV.  I fucking hate it...well at least, a majority of it.  I catch the occasional Pit Bulls and Parolees (because I like dogs, and my neighbor has two of the sweetest pit bulls I've ever met), but nothing more.  However, my dear mother watches reality TV like it's the latest fragrance from Bath & Body Works before it's discontinued for the umpteenth time.  One show that I caught her watching (twice, unfortunately) that just made me weep internally was the E! channel's biggest kash kow, "Keeping Up With The Kardashians."  Now please excuse me while go vomit up the El Pollo Loco I had for lunch earlier.


Ugh...I'm back.  Yes, I just said my mother watches "Sticking It In The Kardashians," because that's exactly how they blew up.  By Kim Karbitchian on her knees deep-throating Ray J, him eating her soon-to-be herpes-infected kooch (with gum in his mouth, might I add), and her letting him enter the back door while she tells him to "kum on her face."

All this while she was cheating on her first husband.

Lo and behold, she klaimed she didn't know who "leaked" the infamous sex tape (Kardashian stans dispute any statements that mention her involvement in the distribution of the tape), but she managed to pocket $5 Million from it, according to a "settlement."  This bitch and her family, no thanks to Ryan Seacrest (host of "American Idol), is exposed to millions of viewers of the E! channel by way of some bullshit reality show that has been aired for 6 seasons and soon to be a 7th (this just in:  7th, 8th, and 9th seasons; help us all), followed by kountless, mindless spin-offs.

All whilst this krap is being aired, Whoredashian and her sisters are building up this so-called brand of products that I wouldn't even dare purchase if they were on the klearance rack at the Swapmeet on Slauson (did I mention that I was from Los Angeles?).

But enough about who she is.  We already know who the fuck she is because media outlets the world over keep force-feeding this bitch down our throats.  What pisses me off about Kartrashian isn't why she's famous, but who she slept with to become famous.  And before this rabid bunch of stans blindly defend this kunt (yes, I said she's a kunt), I'd like to let them know that in no way, shape, or fashion am I jealous of some skeezer* who got famous for letting Brandy's kid brother skeet all in her mouth and face.  And no, I don't want her looks or her money.  Best believe, if my last name were Kardashian, I'd be heading to the Downtown Los Angeles kourts IMMEDIATELY to legally change my name to something more dignified (I bet poor Robert was wishing he were alive so he could slap the shit out of his first-born daughters).

*Guess what?  It's Slang Lesson Time...again.
Skeezer - 80's/90's/occasionally used hip hop slang for a slut, ho, tramp, etc.

End of Slang Lesson Time.  And now back to our regularly scheduled program...

My main reason for disliking her:  She's a damn succubus.  And she's fake.  Basically I don't like her because her spirit is corrupted.  She pretends to be this real beauty, but (dialect ahead) errbody n dey mama n dey cousin know damn well this ho ain't cute.  All the plastic surgery in the world doesn't make up for the fact that she's a butterhead.  And she likes to wear these tight outfits to show off her fat...I mean curves.  I'll admit to being a plus-sized woman (big girls rock) and sometimes I like to show off my curves, but I'd rather do it covered up.  What I'm saying is that Kim should at least cover herself up and stop "letting it all hang out," so to speak.

I remember hearing something in high school that stuck with me even after I graduated (ten years ago):  If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.  And Kardashian don't stand for shit except sucking & fucking and getting sucked & fucked.  And making money whilst getting sucked & fucked.  There's no foundation there for her except this mantra:  If you're an athlete and/or rapper/singer, (I prefer that you're black), I'm going to throw this half-breed Armenian pussy at you and invite you on my show so I can parade you around as my newest Mandingo (or other) boyfriend (Kardashians love Mandingoes).  I don't ever hear about her doing charity work or at least doing some small good deed while she's out filling her arms up with shopping bags.  No, she's too busy slinging her worn-out sugar walls to the next male black celebrity.

And whilst on that subject (I like saying "whilst"; it makes me feel British), Kim threw her goodies at Kanye West after some bogus marriage to Kris Humphries that lasted 72 days.  All while she was still legally married to Mr. Humphries.  The outcome?  She got knocked up.  Now I have nothing against babies, for they are the most beautiful creatures to ever grace this planet with their innocence and curiosity.  But Miss Ann here couldn't hold out until after the annulment (or divorce) to let Kanye plant his seed in that barren wasteland called a uterus?!  Even West wants to wife up this ho.  Snoop Dogg and his crew called it:  "You can't turn a ho into a housewife."  More specifically, you can't turn a Kardashian into a housewife.  It seems like every magazine cover I happen to pass by at the local Wal-Mart or convenience store, it's always some story about Kim's "pregnancy" or her gold-digging trick of a mother snatching up her husband by the balls over money.  I'm through with this.

Though these are just my two cents on what I think of Kim Lardassian (fat injections, people), Trashbagian/Kardashyknees (shouts out to Kid Fury on YouTube), Kardouchian, whatever you want to call her, but at the end of the day, she's just plain...Skankalicious.  Comment if you like, but if you're a Kardashian stan, at least come at me with a coherent sentence (which proves my theory that Kardashian stans do not have a full grasp of the English language).

Who Learnt You How To Spoke? A Bad YouTube Grammar Rant (Part 2)

I feel like TheraFlu...good to be back (damn Android ain't givin' me no act-right, not exactly blogger-friendly).  But anyway...

Part 2 - Start!

Shouts to Jacksfilms before I begin; I'd just like to thank him by way of blog (since I can't do it in person) for his tireless efforts to help clean up the filthy grammar on the interwebs.

Visit this guy's channel...yesterday.

Now, I was just about to have a tirade over the horrible use of spelling, grammar, and punctuation that has invaded YouTube.

Here are more misspellings that make me want to turn into Gallagher, grab a sledgehammer, and use my computer monitor as a makeshift watermelon.

"Alot" - First of all, unless the space bar on your keyboard is permanently busted, THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THAT THIS WORD EXISTS!!!  In order to get a better understanding of this monstrosity of a word, then look up Allie Brosh and her "Hyperbole and a Half" blog.  Here, she goes into detail about the "alot" monster and why they've made YouTube their breeding ground.  Sadly, the alot monster has a distant cousin, the aswell beast.  And much like alot, the "aswell" has made YouTube her nest.  She lays her eggs of bad grammar on most mind-numbing videos, so be on the lookout.

"af" - This one pisses me off more than riding Line 210 down Crenshaw, seeing as though they're on the same level of ratchetness.  Now "af" is supposed to be this abbreviation for "as fuck," used after an adjective.  Now when I was coming up, it was never abbreviated to begin with.  Plus, if you even thought about writing "af" after an adjective in a high school English class (or even its full, more vulgar counterpart), you were looked at as the "the kid who got/would get left back."  Rant in 3...2...1... (beware of F-bombs)


Rant over

Also, stop putting your apostrophes in unnecessary places.  If you put an apostrophe in a plural noun, make sure the damn noun ain't plural (sorry, my dialect slipped out the keyboard) and put another bleeping noun after it.  That way, people can understand what the hell you're talking about.

Ex. #1:  Look at you guys.  (Cue "The Price Is Right" clang & whoops)
Ex. #2:  Look at you guy's.  (Cue the Fail horns)

Take a good look at Ex. #2.  How many times must one flunk English before he gets that Ex. #1 is correct?

If you place an apostrophe in between whatever letter and an "s," you must always remember that it is a possessive form of a noun, or a contraction.  An example would be, "I saw you steal that guy's cell phone before you ran off the train."  Also...

Never, and I mean NEVER, put an apostrophe in a verb that ends with an "S."  That would lead me to think that you took English lessons from an episode of Jerry Springer.

Ex.:  "Girl get's jumpd look's ugly af"  <----- Please no.  Once again, I'd like to emphasize (rather calmly) that you should NEVER type "af" after an adjective.

Public Service Announcement:  Dropping verbs is not cool when typing a sentence.  That is all.  For instance, don't ever do this:  "I don't know what to with my hair!"  I think you forgot to have some "do" for breakfast on the way out, because you left it on the table of grammar.

Another thing that's been on my chest, something I could never figure out, is why some girls think it's cute to spell something which requires the letter "g" with a fucking "q"!!!  Somebody help me out with this one.  For instance, if you're going to say something like "What are you talking about," don't type it like this:  "Wat r u talkinq abt?"  Best believe you're bound to fail English talking in ratchet-speak.

I'd also like to emphasize that "lose" and "loose" are two different words with two different meanings (and that one word has an extra "o" in the center).  Let me explain...

Loose means not tight or not having any elasticity.  Case in point...
"Loose lips sink ships."

Lose means to not gain or not win.  Use of this word:  "You lose."

If I catch you using "loose" in place of "lose" or calling somebody a "looser" on either my videos or some other user's (see what I did with this apostrophe?), chances are I will mark your comment as spam or just completely block you until you learn how to type properly.

As you are typing a comment on YouTube, you should also know that You Must Never Capitalize The First Letter Of Every Word In Each Sentence Because Once Again, You Look Like A Ratchet.  Got it?

And lastly, what the fuck is "noone?!"  Once again, if your space bar is broken, go out and buy a new keyboard.  Sounds like somebody's last name to me.  It is spelled "no one," people!

And that's all she wrote.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Who Learnt You How To Spoke? A Bad YouTube Grammar Rant (Part 1)

First up, I want to give a shout out to Gineriella, because she had the balls to do this...

But anyway, back to the business at hand.  (Vulgarity ensues.  Read at your own risk.)

I'm a YouTube junkie.  Been like that since I posted my first AMV (Anime Music Video) seven years ago.  From all the thousands of videos I've watched, I've noticed a drastic increase in atrocious grammar.  An increase of exponential amounts.  I shall start with the basics, then move up to the "advanced" levels of horrible spelling, grammar, and lack of punctuation.

"Your & You're" - This makes me shake my head in disgust.  "Your" and "You're" are never to be used interchangeably, people!  I occasionally have to tell my sweet lil' ol' boyfriend not to do that whenever we send each other texts (His grammar and spelling are excellent; he sometimes flubs the "your" part).  Sounds pretty stupid for somebody to say, "I speek inglish well you dont no wat your tlkn abt."  Not only is the word "your" used incorrectly, but this sentence is almost indecipherable.  It's as though most youngsters brought text-speak to YouTube and formed their own incomprehensible dialect that only an amoeba can understand (since most people who type in text-speak have the I.Q. of an amoeba).

A sub-topic from above: "u & ur" - Please don't ever abbreviate the above words.  I hate shorthand text!  I see that and I'm reading it like this:

u = Long "oo" sound
ur = The Sumerian city-state of ancient Mesopotamia

Don't ever type "ur" in place of you are!  This ain't no freakin' city-state from ancient times, people!!!

"It's and Its" - Yet another example why I question the IQ's of people on YouTube.  "Its" and "It's" are also never to be used interchangeably.

It's = It is
Its = Possessive form of it
"You know that big nasty boil on your thigh?  If you don't drain that thing then it's going to look like a gunshot wound." - Example of "It's"
"See that cute little Pikachu on the TV?  That adorable yellow fluff ball's got a wedge in its tail, letting you know that she's a female." - Example of "Its"

What Pikachu thinks of bad grammar

"There, Their, and They're" - These are also NEVER!!! to be used interchangeably.  I have also noticed that a lot of Kim Whore--excuse me, Kardashian stans* make this mistake all the time (as well as break the rules of grammar) whilst defending this ratchet.**  "Your just jelouse coz she make's more money then yhu and their hot af go kill you're self" is usually their defense.  Notice all the horrible spelling in this so-called sentence.  This is the "advanced" form of bad grammar and spelling, which we'll get to in a bit.  And if these stans are going to defend some bitch who got famous by swallowing Ray J's cum and taking it through the back door on video, they should at least read "English Grammar for Dummies" before posting a comment or form a coherent sentence.  Granted I'll still laugh off their attempt at a rebuttal, but I would commend them for taking out a few minutes of their precious time to proofread their comment and use SpellCheck.

Slang Lesson Time!!!

*Stan - Taken from the song title by rapper Eminem, a stan is a person with an unhealthy obsession over their favorite celebrities.  Cross between "stalker" and "fan."

**Ratchet - Black urban slang for a whore, skeezer, etc.

End of Slang Lesson Time

Now that we've covered some of the basics, let's get to the "advanced" part of the lesson/rant.

"Cos/Coz" - If you folks out there only knew how much I want to backhand the people who use these "words" in place of "because," as well as others who spell it "becouse."  First off, (Rage Mode Activated) THERE IS NO FUCKING "O" IN THE WORD "BECAUSE!!!" (Rage Mode De-activated)  Are people so lazy that they have to shorthand even the simplest of words?  We learned how to spell "because" in the first grade, for crying out loud; why misspell it now that you're grown?

"Definately" - Survey says...? **Family Feud buzzer** I would love more than to punch out the people who even write or type this.  (Rage Mode Re-activated)  STOP FUCKING TYPING THE WORD "DEFINITELY WITH A FUCKING "A!!!"  AND IF I CATCH YOU TYPING IT AS "DEFFINATLEY," "DEFFINATTLY," OR EVEN "DEFIANTLY," I'M GOING TO TAKE YOUR FUCKING KEYBOARD, BASH YOU UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH IT, AND MAKE YOU EAT THE KEYS FOR BREAKFAST!!!  DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND ME?!!  (Rage Mode De-activated...again)  Wow, so many F-bombs.

"Yhu" - What kind of ghetto ass Chinese are urban teenagers speaking?  Since when was "You" ever spelled with an "H?"  I see that, and I think of somebody working at the local Chinese food joint where I get my pepper chicken.  "Hi, my name Ling Yhu, I take your order?"  Please, all you teenagers out there (3rd rage mode) STOP SPELLING "YOU" WITH A FUCKING "H!!!"

Since I've pretty much run out of room to even finish, I'm just going to leave you guys with those three dreaded words.

TRUE BELLS CLANG (To Be Continued?)