Ugh...good lawd. Hopefully I can get through this blog without puking all over my keyboard. (More vulgarity ahead! Get the kids out of here, STAT! Oh, and some K-puns.)
Reality TV. I fucking hate it...well at least, a majority of it. I catch the occasional Pit Bulls and Parolees (because I like dogs, and my neighbor has two of the sweetest pit bulls I've ever met), but nothing more. However, my dear mother watches reality TV like it's the latest fragrance from Bath & Body Works before it's discontinued for the umpteenth time. One show that I caught her watching (twice, unfortunately) that just made me weep internally was the E! channel's biggest kash kow, "Keeping Up With The Kardashians." Now please excuse me while go vomit up the El Pollo Loco I had for lunch earlier.
Ugh...I'm back. Yes, I just said my mother watches "Sticking It In The Kardashians," because that's exactly how they blew up. By Kim Karbitchian on her knees deep-throating Ray J, him eating her soon-to-be herpes-infected kooch (with gum in his mouth, might I add), and her letting him enter the back door while she tells him to "kum on her face."
All this while she was cheating on her first husband.
Lo and behold, she klaimed she didn't know who "leaked" the infamous sex tape (Kardashian stans dispute any statements that mention her involvement in the distribution of the tape), but she managed to pocket $5 Million from it, according to a "settlement." This bitch and her family, no thanks to Ryan Seacrest (host of "American Idol), is exposed to millions of viewers of the E! channel by way of some bullshit reality show that has been aired for 6 seasons and soon to be a 7th (this just in: 7th, 8th, and 9th seasons; help us all), followed by kountless, mindless spin-offs.
All whilst this krap is being aired, Whoredashian and her sisters are building up this so-called brand of products that I wouldn't even dare purchase if they were on the klearance rack at the Swapmeet on Slauson (did I mention that I was from Los Angeles?).
But enough about who she is. We already know who the fuck she is because media outlets the world over keep force-feeding this bitch down our throats. What pisses me off about Kartrashian isn't why she's famous, but who she slept with to become famous. And before this rabid bunch of stans blindly defend this kunt (yes, I said she's a kunt), I'd like to let them know that in no way, shape, or fashion am I jealous of some skeezer* who got famous for letting Brandy's kid brother skeet all in her mouth and face. And no, I don't want her looks or her money. Best believe, if my last name were Kardashian, I'd be heading to the Downtown Los Angeles kourts IMMEDIATELY to legally change my name to something more dignified (I bet poor Robert was wishing he were alive so he could slap the shit out of his first-born daughters).
*Guess what? It's Slang Lesson Time...again.
Skeezer - 80's/90's/occasionally used hip hop slang for a slut, ho, tramp, etc.
End of Slang Lesson Time. And now back to our regularly scheduled program...
My main reason for disliking her: She's a damn succubus. And she's fake. Basically I don't like her because her spirit is corrupted. She pretends to be this real beauty, but (dialect ahead) errbody n dey mama n dey cousin know damn well this ho ain't cute. All the plastic surgery in the world doesn't make up for the fact that she's a butterhead. And she likes to wear these tight outfits to show off her fat...I mean curves. I'll admit to being a plus-sized woman (big girls rock) and sometimes I like to show off my curves, but I'd rather do it covered up. What I'm saying is that Kim should at least cover herself up and stop "letting it all hang out," so to speak.
I remember hearing something in high school that stuck with me even after I graduated (ten years ago): If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. And Kardashian don't stand for shit except sucking & fucking and getting sucked & fucked. And making money whilst getting sucked & fucked. There's no foundation there for her except this mantra: If you're an athlete and/or rapper/singer, (I prefer that you're black), I'm going to throw this half-breed Armenian pussy at you and invite you on my show so I can parade you around as my newest Mandingo (or other) boyfriend (Kardashians love Mandingoes). I don't ever hear about her doing charity work or at least doing some small good deed while she's out filling her arms up with shopping bags. No, she's too busy slinging her worn-out sugar walls to the next male black celebrity.
And whilst on that subject (I like saying "whilst"; it makes me feel British), Kim threw her goodies at Kanye West after some bogus marriage to Kris Humphries that lasted 72 days. All while she was still legally married to Mr. Humphries. The outcome? She got knocked up. Now I have nothing against babies, for they are the most beautiful creatures to ever grace this planet with their innocence and curiosity. But Miss Ann here couldn't hold out until after the annulment (or divorce) to let Kanye plant his seed in that barren wasteland called a uterus?! Even West wants to wife up this ho. Snoop Dogg and his crew called it: "You can't turn a ho into a housewife." More specifically, you can't turn a Kardashian into a housewife. It seems like every magazine cover I happen to pass by at the local Wal-Mart or convenience store, it's always some story about Kim's "pregnancy" or her gold-digging trick of a mother snatching up her husband by the balls over money. I'm through with this.
Though these are just my two cents on what I think of Kim Lardassian (fat injections, people), Trashbagian/Kardashyknees (shouts out to Kid Fury on YouTube), Kardouchian, whatever you want to call her, but at the end of the day, she's just plain...Skankalicious. Comment if you like, but if you're a Kardashian stan, at least come at me with a coherent sentence (which proves my theory that Kardashian stans do not have a full grasp of the English language).